So this morning, at around 03:30, a couple of cat burglars tried to break into the house. I should probably refer to them as just burglars, since they didn't possess the stealth-like quality of a feline. I heard them.

I woke up this morning at around 02:45 and I was all geared up to put in a bit of work. I prepared an essential brew of coffee, which is necessary for the early birds amongst us. I live in a nonsmoking household and I unfortunately do have some habits that I keep at bay by feeding them. I stepped outside the house and proceeded to quench my nicotine dependency. I went to the back of the house and flicked the lighter, pull that first orgasmic drag into my lungs, and as my eyes were about to roll back into my skull, I heard a clanging sound coming from kitchen door.

peered out from the comfort of corner, I saw nothing and dismissed it as mere paranoia, which I fueled with scores of "it's just our neighbour's cat ravaging through the garbage, again" The clanging continued with no visible cat.

I killed my cigarette and made my way back into the house looking about like Colambo. I made it inside the house without a hitch, dropped by coffee on the kitchen counter and slipped back into to bed. The early morning's paranoia had hindered my motivation to do some work.

I laid in bed with my phone in hand and tweeted about my recently snatched sleep. Adrenalin does that to the meek too. The clanging continued, this time by the living room window. I hopped out of bed armed with irritation and a box-cutter.

I see a silhouette figure of a man outside the living room. I cussed at him "voetsek!" as I pealed the curtain open. I, still cussing to heart's content, I see another figure ducking behind our fixed braai stand (BBQ grill). The two off them jet off into the night.

Everybody else in the house was rudely awoken by my rampant cussing which referred to people's mothers, body parts and lack of intelligence.

I peered out the window and saw that the lightbulb had been unscrewed was lay, sprawled and useless, on the floor.

Nevertheless, I called the police, 10111, which went straight to the Houghton Police Station (I figured that this is the area that the South African Police Service [SAPS] concentrate their manpower). I spoke an officer who couldn't patch me through to our local department in Brakpan. I hung up on him and called Telkom's telephone directory service, 1023, and I was given a number to the Brakpan Police Station and spoke to an officer there, who in turn gave me the local patrolling officer's cellphone number. Grateful for his service, the conversation ended. Half an hour later they rock up, casually.

I showed them the "crime scene" − an unscrewed and abused lightbulb − The officer then proceeded to screw the light fixture back on. I stood there baffled and thinking, "Well aren't at least gonna take it in and try to get some prints off it?" Alas, he continued about his fastening business. Disappointed by his lack of zeal, I let it be and figured that police efficiency only happens on CSI.

Everyone in the house is all right and our goods are still in place. So, I hope whomsoever you voted for will, uhm, eradicate crime in your neighbourhood.